Framing

The More You Try...

For many women, thinking about getting to orgasm can make it impossible to get one.

“Getting an orgasm is like trying to remember a name, the more you try, the more impossible it is. One partner I had said, ‘it doesn’t matter if you come or not, let’s just enjoy this. I love tasting you. I love touching you. Just relax and let me do this for you.’ It worked because I didn’t have to worry about him—he was loving it—there really was no pressure on me to ‘get there’ and it was so good.”

Taking Ego Out of It

“When I think my partner is trying really hard to make me come, then I can’t. I get this feeling that he’s trying partly for himself, like he’s trying to win a game, instead of it being for me. But when I don’t feel that he’s ‘trying’ and we’re just having fun, I come almost every time.”

Partners: Help us get out of our heads.

Repeatedly, we heard that there’s more pleasure when you’re authentically in it for the fun of the journey, not the destination—and you make that really clear. Many women say they doubt it’s true—so even if they say, ‘I know,’ still say it and show it! Many women come more when they feel less pressure to come. They come more when they believe you’re enjoying giving pleasure. They sometimes appreciate help to stop trying to please you. When their orgasm is partly to make you feel like a good lover, then it’s harder to focus on how it feels.

Not Asking ‘Are You Close?’

Whereas asking for feedback during sex is usually really helpful, many women say that their partner asking, ‘are you close?’ is a lose-lose question. Suddenly, you stop focusing on the actual pleasure and start thinking distracting thoughts about the partner and how they are feeling or why you aren’t coming. (See Signaling)

“The number one orgasm-killer for me is the question, ‘are you going to come soon?’ because then my thoughts take over like—‘am I taking too long?’ ‘are they bored?’ and those thoughts totally distract me and the orgasm goes away.”

Loving the Giving

A common story is not being able to orgasm until finding a lover who made it known they really enjoyed the process of giving pleasure.

“You know how when you get a back massage from a friend, it feels nice but then after a little while you start thinking, ‘are their hands tired?’ ‘should I say thanks now?’ And during that time you’re not really feeling the pleasure of the massage. That’s what happens for me and orgasms. Until I had a lover that was so enthusiastic about pleasing me that I knew she wasn’t getting tired or wishing it was over. She wanted to be down there and I knew it—so I stopped thinking about it!”

Partners: Take time out of the equation

Many women wish they could abolish the question, ‘are you close’ because it just results in pressure. Questions like, ‘higher or lower?’ ‘slower or faster?’ are wonderful because those are about getting feedback to make it better—but mentioning the O can jinx it. Women love knowing how much you love giving them pleasure, that it’s not a chore, and that you’d happily do it forever. Even if you’ve told her before, tell her again.

Compliments are Golden

“I would always be self-conscious in bed—my thoughts jumped to things like my breath or am I too wet down there or not wet enough. What if it smells bad, etc. So for my twenties I never really enjoyed sex with anyone—just masturbation. Then I had a lover who told me he loved my smell, he gave me so many compliments about how delicious I was and looked at my vagina like it was a dessert he loved. It sounds funny but that helped me turn off my self-consciousness and have wonderful orgasms.”

Appreciation is Powerful

When asked what makes sex better, many women report that when their partner shows they’re attracted to your body outside of the bedroom, that has powerful effects in the bedroom. Everyone has a bit of self-consciousness—so this isn’t a problem-solution kind of thing. It can increase pleasure for everyone.

“I was always nervous about my weight. However we’d be in bed, I’d think about what parts of me he was touching and whether they felt fat. I look back at pictures of myself then and realize how ridiculous those thoughts were. But they were so strong and constant that orgasming was out of the question. So my husband thought I just didn’t enjoy sex. In my second marriage, I met someone who tells me my body turns him on and makes me feel really sexy—curves and all. I know compliments seem superficial but they’re what helped me get over myself and have great sex.”

Partners: The more you show appreciation, the more we relax

This is incredibly common—and many women say that when they’re self-conscious, they don’t show it and their partner has no idea. Even when they’re feeling great, many women still have a part inside that’s self-conscious in bed. The more they feel you appreciate her body and find her sexy, in and out of the bedroom, the easier it is for her to shut off those distracting thoughts and focus on the pleasure.